hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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