I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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