I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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