i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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