I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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