as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
