i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Quick, to the slutcave!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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