1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
