I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
