You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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