you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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