I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
