I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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