Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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