yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
