Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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