Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
