Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
