i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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