Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
As shirtless as possible
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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