In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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