alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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