All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
