This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
