I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
