the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize