On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
