I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
