I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
