I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
