the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
