this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
