one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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