Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
