i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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