saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
