I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Randomize
