ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
