haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
