he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
