my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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