Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
