After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
the raccoons are back...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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