3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
