so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
