She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
