we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
