Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
