i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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