Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
