I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The feeling are messing with the penis
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
