She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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