i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
