I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
