Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I'm really busy with my period
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