Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
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