my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
